“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I have no passwords left in me
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”