“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I don鈥檛 really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Obviously if someone鈥檚 in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Voting has begun in Russia鈥檚 presidential election. Results will be known last week
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where鈥檚 that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
But I really needed water water water
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Two types of dogs.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.