If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.