You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You Might Also Like
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard