Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
