Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.