Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know