Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

For real 🤣

Just how popey was the pope today?

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused