Many hands make light work
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here