Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
sailors wish they could swear like me
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.