Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
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Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I try
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.