Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’m having an out of money experience.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus