Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Breaking news:

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

I support this random dude and all his protests