Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Wake me when AI does housework

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.