What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
🚲+physics = winner
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.