do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die