Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.