Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
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me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Haha! 😂
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.