Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Shower sex be like:

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

ew if literal: let me be clear

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion