Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one week till the election

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…