Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school