Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Wait a second…

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.