How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
knights of the ikea table
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
WTF IS AN ACRONYM