Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
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It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Squirrels before girls.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
man: wait
time: no