Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one