Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I occasionally drink every single night.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?