Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.