.. do you even science?
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sure, why not
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
