.. do you even science?
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
a badder mouse
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
