.. do you even science?
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.