Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.