Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
You Might Also Like
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub