Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.