Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca