Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.