Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

turning my gender off to conserve energy

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair