Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Europe. Made in Germany.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.