Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.