Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Investing in beetcoin
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.