“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
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Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
ed has no gf cuz sheran away