Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

I can fix him.

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Always 🥴

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

He has no idea 🤡

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.