Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.