do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My dog ate my work from home.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”