Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.