do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
🐟✨ #re4
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.