Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

☠️

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

😂😂😂

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown