Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

wtf is a larm clock?

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M