Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop