Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are