Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Google Pay be like:
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
