Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Oh thanks BBC.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.