Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats