Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I just want an internship man

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”