Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Bear knowledge

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

I’m tired tomorrow.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.