Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

happy friday

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑