“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
You Might Also Like
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Who called it baking and not making love
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Story time
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.