“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Boy never ceases to amaze me
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record