Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.