Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I love it
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.