Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
my first day as a raccoon
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.