Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

💻🤡

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

I cannot stop laughing at this

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.