Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why no one uses midhusbands

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Not all heroes wear capes…

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back