Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
no one likes gloating
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are