Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]