Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I did not eat the cake…
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
How do I get a job writing these texts
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes