Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
all that yoga finally paid off
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.