Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday