Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
weddings should have a worst man
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
how was your vacation
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure