Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

#MeanwhileInCanada

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

stand with me against insufficient seating

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.