Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Look Ma, no handle on things

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

RT if you could go either way.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

i hope my email finds you on fire

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.