Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!