Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
lol
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle